{"id":70,"date":"2013-10-10T14:30:09","date_gmt":"2013-10-10T18:30:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.tr10023.com\/?p=70"},"modified":"2014-08-13T18:46:43","modified_gmt":"2014-08-13T22:46:43","slug":"short-short-reviews-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.tr10023.com\/?p=70","title":{"rendered":"Flash Pans! (Updated October 10, 2013)"},"content":{"rendered":"

Mini Reviews — In Descending Chronological Order (Approximately)<\/h2>\n

Mostly Mean-Spirited One-Liners<\/em><\/h3>\n

*<\/span> Asterisk indicates new entry for October<\/span><\/h4>\n

“Turbo<\/strong>” (Gastropod mollusc at Indy 500): Sluggish<\/p>\n

\"Snail's<\/a>

Snail’s pace.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Only God Forgives<\/strong>” (Bangkok baddies): So I don\u2019t have to
\n“R.I.P.D.<\/strong>” (Dead cops): D.O.A.<\/p>\n

\"Ryan<\/a>

Ryan Reynolds, Jeff Bridges: Do not resuscitate.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Now You See Me<\/strong>” (Feds vs. hipster tricksters): No, I don’t . . .
\n“This is the End<\/strong>“: Do you swear it?<\/p>\n

\"Franco,<\/a>

L-R: Franco, Hill, Robinson, Rogen, Baruchel, McBride: Scatological eschatology.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Man of Steel<\/strong>” (“Plan 9 from Outer Space” on a champagne budget): Rockem Schlockem Robots
\n“Oblivion<\/strong>” (Tom Cruise, futuristic grease monkey): A big nothing<\/p>\n

\"Tom<\/a>

Tom Cruise: Nowhere Man.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“<\/span>Oz the Great and Powerful<\/strong>” (The Land of Oz through a View Master): Great and powerful blahs<\/span>
\n“Quartet<\/strong>” (Quaint old darlings make music): Four flushers<\/p>\n

\"So<\/a>

John Cleese, Maggie Smith, Tom Courtenay, Pauline Collins
So Long! Farewell! The Ferryman approacheth . . .<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Skyfall<\/strong>” (007 in Shanghai): Junk Bond
\n“Rise of the Planet of the Apes<\/strong>” (Monkeys freak out in Frisco): Ape shit<\/p>\n

\"Caesar<\/a>

Caesar and accomplices: Et tu, brute?<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“The Kids Are All Right<\/strong>” (Straight dad screws up lesbo pad): Leave it to beaver
\n*<\/span><\/strong> “Inception<\/strong>” (Bedtime for bozos): Sleeping pills<\/p>\n

\"Wake<\/a>

Wake me when it’s over.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

*<\/span><\/strong> “The Social Network<\/strong>” (Jabbering asshole becomes billionaire): The Geek Tycoon
\n“Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince<\/strong>” (Dumbledore dies, etc.): Weepin’ wizards!<\/p>\n

\"Am<\/a>

Michael Gambon: Am I Blue?<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“UP<\/strong>” (Pixar 3-D cartoon): P.U.
\n“It’s Complicated<\/strong>” (Over-the-hill divorcees drink together, start affair): Nip and fuck<\/p>\n

\"Skinny<\/a>

Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin: Skinny and Fatty.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Yes Man<\/strong>” (Jim Carrey yuck fest): No siree, Bob
\n“The Dark Knight<\/strong>” (Comic book love letter to fascism): Batshit<\/p>\n

\"Heath<\/a>

Heath Ledger: Come back, Cesar Romero — all is forgiven.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

*<\/strong><\/span> “No Reservations<\/strong>” (Remake of German kitchen rom com): Strictly from hunger
\n“Juno<\/strong>” (Knowing and sentimental slob comedy about teen pregnancy): Eggsecrable
\n“The Departed<\/strong>” (Bloody, bloody Irish mobster picture): Paddy whack<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio: ‘Tell me more about my eyes . . . !’<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Cars<\/strong>” (Pixar NASCAR cartoon): Tiresome
\n*<\/strong><\/span> “Little Miss Sunshine<\/strong>” (Misfits cross desert in Kraut can): Death Valley Days
\n“Notes on a Scandal<\/strong>” (Dame Judi as nasty, voluble lesbian schoolmistress): Dench mouth<\/p>\n

\"Come<\/a>

Judi Dench: Come into the Garden, Bawd.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Miami Vice<\/strong>” (80s hipster cop show retread): Beach fuzz
\n“Thank You for Smoking<\/strong>” (Heavily ironic comedy about tobacco lobbyist): Ifs, ands for butts
\n“Mrs. Palfrey at the Claremont<\/strong>” (Youthful bum befriends Lady Olivier): Meeting coot<\/p>\n

\"Rupert<\/a>

Rupert Friend, Joan Plowright: Lady and the Tramp.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Charlie and the Chocolate Factory<\/strong>” (Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka): Flimsy whimsy
\n*<\/span><\/strong> “Brokeback Mountain<\/strong>” (Dolorous fudge-packers): Splendor in the ass<\/p>\n

\"Jake<\/a>

Jake Gyllenhaal, Heath Ledger: Forbidden fruits.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

*<\/strong><\/span> “The Terminal<\/strong>” (Immigrant Hanks camps out at JFK): Interminable
\n*<\/strong><\/span> “Sideways<\/strong>” (Neurotic motormouth wine snob visits Napa): Sour grapes<\/p>\n

\"Church,<\/a>

Thomas Haden Church, Paul Giamatti: Les \u0153nologues californiens.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Far From Heaven<\/strong>” (Bumbling Douglas Sirk-style melodrama): The nearest thing to Hell
\n“One Hour Photo<\/strong>” (Creepier-than-ever Robin Williams creeps out family): Not on yer tintype!<\/p>\n

\"Mork,<\/a>

Mork, Connie Nielsen: ‘Say “Cheese.” ‘<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Go<\/strong>” (Slick Indie casino picture): Stop!
\n“Charlie’s Angels<\/strong>” (Bimbos with heaters): Bawd squad
\n“The Red Violin<\/strong>” (Preposterous 300 year history of a fiddle — feels longer): The pizz<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\"Greta<\/a>

Greta Scacchi, Jason Flemyng: Fiddledeedee.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“The Big Lebowski<\/strong>” (Stoner bowling picture): Pin heads
\n“Meet Joe Black<\/strong>” (Leaden remake of “Death Takes a Holiday”): Death warmed over<\/p>\n

\"Anthony<\/a>

Anthony Hopkins, Brad Pitt: Pitt and the Ponderous.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“A Thousand Acres<\/strong>” (Farm picture based on “King Lear”): Small potatoes
\n“Shine<\/strong>” (Crazy pianist picture): Looney tunes
\n“The Birdcage<\/strong>” (Peek-a-boo gay sex comedy): Big drag<\/p>\n

\"Robin<\/a>

Mork, Nathan Lane: Cheep cheep.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Casino<\/strong>” (Scorsese’s Vegas picture): Sucker bet
\n“The Bridges of Madison County<\/strong>” (Pastoral lustfest): Hey-hey in the hayloft<\/p>\n

\"Streep<\/a>

Streep to Eastwood: “I wanna run-a bare-a-foot-a through your wrinkles-a.”<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Apollo 13<\/strong>” (Failed moon mission picture): Misfire
\n“Leaving Las Vegas<\/strong>“: (Nicolas Cage as suicidal drunk): Lush for life
\n“The Shawshank Redemption<\/strong>” (Endless prison picture): Hokey pokey<\/p>\n

\"Morgan<\/a>

Morgan Freeman, Tim Robbins: Pen pals.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Forrest Gump<\/strong>” (U.S. history as seen by moron): It is a tale told by an idiot
\n“The Road to Wellville<\/strong>” (Long, expensive potty humor flop): We had feces then<\/p>\n

\"John<\/a>

John Neville, Matthew Broderick: Crap shoot.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Schindler’s List<\/strong>” (Holocaust picture): Kaddish cheese
\n*<\/strong><\/span> “Thelma and Louise<\/strong>” (Hot fem libbers cavort, drive off cliff): Bosom baddies
\n“Awakenings<\/strong>” (De Niro, Mork in Oliver Sachs L-Dopamine story): Steamed vegetables<\/p>\n

\"De<\/a>

De Niro: ‘You talkin’ to . . . whaaaa . . . ?’<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“The Vagina Monologues<\/strong>” (Bway fem lib play): Snatch chat (a\/k\/a Chatterbox)
\n“Pretty Woman<\/strong>” (Whore gives great head, lands prince — just like Cinderella): Ho-ho ‘hoe<\/p>\n

\"The<\/a>

Richard Gere, Julia Roberts: The karats and the stick: ‘There’s another three karats if you get every drop.’<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Ghost<\/strong>” (Overwrought Demi Moore\/Patrick Swayze picture): Boo
\n“Dances with Wolves<\/strong>” (Languorous folderol by and about Kevin Costner): Cheapie teepee<\/p>\n

\"Mary<\/a>

Mary McDonnell, Kevin Costner: Nice barber they’ve got out here on the lone prairie.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Look Who’s Talking<\/strong>” (Scientologists’ baby talk picture): Le<\/em> tot, c’est moi<\/em>
\n“Gorillas in the Mist<\/strong>” (Sigourney Weaver communes with simians): Monkeyshines<\/p>\n

\"Sigourney<\/a>

Sigourney Weaver and friend: ‘I’m Just Wild about Hairy.’<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Baby Boom<\/strong>” (Diane Keaton as businesswoman saddled with baby): Bundle of oy
\n“Ironweed<\/strong>” (Down and out and chatty in Albany): Bums that go think in the night<\/p>\n

\"Streep,<\/a>

Streep, Nicholson: Stewed tomato, boiled ham.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Nuts<\/strong>” (Streisand in “serious” asylum picture): Balls
\n“Suspect<\/strong>” (Liam Neeson plays mute homeless eyewitness of political murder): Bum, be dumb
\n“Kiss of the Spider Woman<\/strong>” (Transvestite jail fantasy): Bugger me gently<\/p>\n

\"William<\/a>

William Hurt: Fancy pansy.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“The Big Chill<\/strong>” (Boo hoo boomers): The days of whine and poses
\n“Terms of Endearment<\/strong>” (Saccharine kooky family tear-jerker): Dear God! Sweet Jesus!<\/p>\n

\"Debra<\/a>

Debra Winger, Shirley MacLaine: Bitches.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“E.T.<\/strong>” (Cloying shmaltz about boy and his pot roast-shaped outer-space critter): Alien corn
\n“Whose Life Is It Anyway?<\/strong>” (Loquacious cripple wants to die): Paralyzing<\/p>\n

\"Richard<\/a>

Richard Dreyfuss: Aww, shaddap!<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Cruising<\/strong>” (Undercover cop Pacino investigates murders in leather bar milieu): Dragnet
\n“Apocalypse Now<\/strong>” (Horrors, horrors with Brando as Jabber the Kurtz): A crock of shit now<\/p>\n

\"Brando:<\/a>

Brando: I Am the Eggman.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Days of Heaven<\/strong>” (Long, long, long “poetic” romance): Would you kindly direct me to hell?
\n“The Hindenburg<\/strong>” (Turgid disaster pic): Lead balloon
\n“Rooster Cogburn<\/strong>” (“The African Queen” with saddle sores): Duke and kook<\/p>\n

\"Hepburn,<\/a>

Hepburn, Wayne: Shaky-Quaky and Roly-Poly.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

*<\/strong><\/span> “Soylent Green<\/strong>\u201d (Is people): The Offal Truth
\n“Last Tango in Paris<\/strong>” (Porny Marlon flick loved by Kael): Like buttuh
\n“The Boys in the Band<\/strong>” (Pre-Stonewall play and picture): Rotten fruits<\/p>\n

\"Leonard<\/a>

Leonard Frey, Robert La Tourneaux: Hissy flits.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Easy Rider<\/strong>” (Acid head road picture): Bad trip
\n“Oliver!<\/strong>” (Over-produced musical with tone deaf cast): Gruelling
\n“Charly<\/strong>” (Serum makes egghead of imbecile, temporarily): Dunce is not enough<\/p>\n

\"Cilff<\/a>

Cilff Robertson: Oooopsie . . . ! Prognosis negative.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Planet of the Apes<\/strong>” (Angst-ridden Heston sci-fi picture): Monkey see . . . monkey don’t!<\/em>
\n“Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?<\/strong>” (4 mean drunks in the Groves of Academe): Albee damned
\n“The Sound of Music<\/strong>” (Christopher Plummer calls it S&M — nuff said): Nuns and Huns<\/p>\n

\"Julie<\/a>

Julie Andrews and the scourge of the Alps: There’s never a Nazi when you need one.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“7 Faces of Dr. Lao<\/strong>” (Tony Randall (n\u00e9e<\/em> Ira Rosenberg) in a whole lotta makeup): Fu Man Jew
\n“Charade<\/strong>” (Chic mystery thriller long on style, short on thrills): Dumbshow<\/p>\n

\"Cary<\/a>

Cary Grant, Audrey Hepburn, assorted moppets: Snow job.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Hud<\/strong>” (Texan ranchers learn their cattle have hoof-and-mouth disease): Bum steer
\n“King of Kings<\/strong>“: Teejus Christ<\/p>\n

\"Rita<\/a>

Rita Gam, Frank Thring, Jeffrey Hunter: It Don’t Mean a Thing If It Ain’t Got Frank Thring.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

*<\/span><\/strong> “The Misfits<\/strong>” (Last round-up for Gable and Monroe): Horseshit
\n“Fiorello!<\/strong>” (Bway musical about Mayor LaGuardia): Tammany yamminy
\nCharleton Heston in “Ben-Hur<\/strong>“: Menhir\u00a0\u2020
\n\u2020\u00a0Not everybody knows what a menhir is. Here is a menhir:<\/em>
\n\"Menhir\"<\/a><\/p>\n

“An Affair to Remember<\/strong>” (Long Technicolor remake of “Love Affair”): Fuggedaboutit
\n“East of Eden<\/strong>” (Adam, Cain and Abel in California): The Land of Nod<\/p>\n

\"James<\/a>

James Dean: Up to his usual tics.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Picnic<\/strong>” (Small town turmoils on Labor Day weekend): Ants in your pants
\n“Marty<\/strong>” (Ugly loser chooses ugly girlfriend over loser friends): Chump change<\/p>\n

\"Betsy<\/a>

Betsy Blair: ‘I’m with stupid.’ Ernest Borgnine: ‘I’m with ugly.’<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“The Snake Pit<\/strong>” (de Havilland “serious” asylum picture): Hiss
\n“White Heat<\/strong>” (Cagney as psycho who dies in mushroom cloud explosion): The atomic bum<\/p>\n

\"Cagney:<\/a>

Cagney: Smokey the Bandit.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“The Treasure of the Sierra Madre<\/strong>” (Greedy prospectors bite dust): Fool’s gold
\n“The Body Snatcher<\/strong>” (Karloff as grave robber): I seize dead people
\n“The Wolf Man”<\/strong> (Dimwit Lon Chaney prowls Welsh moorlands): Lump on a bog<\/p>\n

\"Lon<\/a>

Lon Chaney, Jr.: Stranger in the Night.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Young Tom Edison<\/strong>” (Mickey Rooney in Edison hagiography): Dim-bulb
\n“The Grapes of Wrath<\/strong>” (Preachy novel and picture about dust bowl victims): Poky Okies
\n“Our Town<\/strong>” (Wilder’s play with scenery and a happy ending): Dullsville<\/p>\n

\"Martha<\/a>

Martha Scott, William Holden: Sweet nothings.<\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

“Sullivan’s Travels<\/strong>” (Depression-era road picture about life on the tramp): Bummer
\n“The Good Earth<\/strong>” (Epic saga of Old China before the Commies): Chinese torture
\n“Stingaree<\/strong>” (RKO lost Edna Ferber “classic”): Stinkeroo<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Mini Reviews — In Descending Chronological Order (Approximately) Mostly Mean-Spirited One-Liners * Asterisk indicates new entry for October “Turbo” (Gastropod mollusc at Indy 500): Sluggish “Only God Forgives” (Bangkok baddies): So I don\u2019t have to “R.I.P.D.” (Dead cops): D.O.A. “Now You See Me” (Feds vs. hipster tricksters): No, I don’t . . . “This is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-70","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-short-shorts"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p40pmy-18","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.tr10023.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/70","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.tr10023.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.tr10023.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.tr10023.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.tr10023.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=70"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"http:\/\/www.tr10023.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/70\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6538,"href":"http:\/\/www.tr10023.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/70\/revisions\/6538"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.tr10023.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=70"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.tr10023.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=70"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.tr10023.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=70"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}