Flash Pans! (Summer, 2014 Edition)

Mostly Mean-Spirited One-Liners

“Knocked Up” (Troll + babe + one night stand = bun in oven; yuks ensue): About a Boink

Katharine Heigl, Seth Rogen as fuck buddies -- dream on, fatty!

Katharine Heigl, Seth Rogen: She’s having his baby — dream on, you fat fuck!

“St Elmo’s Fire” (Saccharine Brat Pack yackfest): Treacle me Elmo

Lowe, Moore, Estevez, Sheedy, Nelson, Winningham, McCarthy: The Seven Bummers of the Eighties World

Lowe, Moore, Estevez, Sheedy, Nelson, Winningham, McCarthy: The Seven Bummers of the Eighties World.

“Raging Bull” (Palooka takes dive, loses soul, gains pounds): Bull — steaming piles of it

Robert DiNiro: La Motta Be in Pictures.

Robert De Niro: La Motta Be in Pictures.

“The Champ” (Kiddie sees Pop, a pug, die in prizefight): The sticky sweet science

Ricky Schroeder, Jon Voight: Sob and weave -- A.J. Liebling it ain't.

Ricky Schroeder and Jon Voight, directed by boxing maven Franco Zeffirelli — A.J. Liebling he ain’t.

“Rocky” (Tomato can gets chance, goes distance, loses bout, wins geekette): Idiot, box!

Sylvester Stallone, Burgess Meredith: Punchy gets boxing tips from the Penguin.

Sylvester Stallone, Burgess Meredith: Punchy’s cornerman, the Penguin, makes with the tips, life lessons.

“Pretty Maids All in a Row” (Rock Hudson drops trou in misogynist schlock): Rock bottom

Take off them duds! Angie Dickinson as Rock Hudson's beard.

Take off them duds! The lovely, lovely Angie Dickinson is Rock’s beard.

“On the Waterfront” (Love makes hero rat of tanker bum): Catharsis for a cheese-eater

Lee Cobb, Brando, SteigerIrish stoolie, union Jews.

Lee Cobb, Brando, Steiger: Hothead dickers with meathead; fathead looks on.

“With a Song in My Heart” (Saucy cripple croons, suffers, overacts): Hobbledehoyden

Susan Hayward as Jane Froman, the valiant, full-throated gimp; at song's end Robert Wagner falls into her crutches.

Susan Hayward as Jane Froman: Valiant, full-throated gimp lures nutjob Robert Wagner into her crutches.

“Meet John Doe” (Capra thumps sugary populism tub . . . again): Hooey, dewy and gooey

Walter Brennan, Gary Cooper, Sterling Holloway: Doe boys.

Walter Brennan, Gary Cooper, Sterling Holloway: Doe boys.

“Blood and Sand” (Torero Ty repents his pride too late, pays): Schmaltz of the Toreadors

Rita Hayworth, Tyrone Power, Anthony Quinn: Two beauties, one beast.

Rita Hayworth, Tyrone Power, Anthony Quinn: Two beauties, one beast.

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