Flash Pans! (Last Updated on October 10, 2013)

Mini Reviews — In Descending Chronological Order (Approximately)

Mostly Mean-Spirited One-Liners

* Asterisk indicates new entry for October

Turbo” (Gastropod mollusc at Indy 500): Sluggish

Snail's pace.

Snail’s pace.

Only God Forgives” (Bangkok baddies): So I don’t have to
R.I.P.D.” (Dead cops): D.O.A.

Ryan Reynolds, Jeff Bridges: Do not resuscitate.

Ryan Reynolds, Jeff Bridges: Do not resuscitate.

Now You See Me” (Feds vs. hipster tricksters): No, I don’t . . .
This is the End“: Do you swear it?

Franco, Hill, Rogen, Robinson, Baruchel, McBride: Scatalogical Escatology.

L-R: Franco, Hill, Robinson, Rogen, Baruchel, McBride: Scatological eschatology.

Man of Steel” (“Plan 9 from Outer Space” on a champagne budget): Rockem Schlockem Robots
Oblivion” (Tom Cruise, futuristic grease monkey): A big nothing

Tom Cruise: Nowhere Man

Tom Cruise: Nowhere Man.

Oz the Great and Powerful” (The Land of Oz through a View Master): Great and powerful blahs
Quartet” (Quaint old darlings make music): Four flushers

So Long! Farewell! Auf Wiedersehen! Good-bye!  The Ferryman approacheth . . .

John Cleese, Maggie Smith, Tom Courtenay, Pauline Collins
So Long! Farewell! Auf Wiedersehen! Good-bye! The Ferryman approacheth . . .

Skyfall” (007 in Shanghai): Junk Bond
Rise of the Planet of the Apes” (Monkeys freak out in Frisco): Ape shit

Caesar and accomplices:  Et tu, brute?

Caesar and accomplices: Et tu, brute?

The Kids Are All Right” (Straight dad screws up lesbo pad): Leave it to beaver
*Inception” (Bedtime for bozos): Sleeping pills

Wake me when it's over.

Wake me when it’s over.

*The Social Network” (Jabbering asshole becomes billionaire): The Geek Tycoon
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” (Dumbledore dies, etc.): Weepin’ wizards!

Am I Blue?

Michael Gambon: Am I Blue?

UP” (Pixar 3-D cartoon): P.U.
It’s Complicated” (Over-the-hill divorcees drink together, start affair): Nip and fuck

Skinny & Fatty

Meryl Streep, Alec Baldwin: Skinny and Fatty.

Yes Man” (Jim Carrey yuck fest): No siree, Bob
The Dark Knight” (Comic book love letter to fascism): Batshit

Heath Ledger.  Come back, Cesar Romero --  all is forgiven.

Heath Ledger: Come back, Cesar Romero — all is forgiven.

*No Reservations” (Remake of German kitchen rom com): Strictly from hunger
Juno” (Knowing and sentimental slob comedy about teen pregnancy): Eggsecrable
The Departed” (Bloody, bloody Irish mobster picture): Paddy whack

Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio: ‘Tell me more about my eyes . . . !’

Cars” (Pixar NASCAR cartoon): Tiresome
*Little Miss Sunshine” (Misfits cross desert in Kraut can): Death Valley Days
Notes on a Scandal” (Dame Judi as nasty, voluble lesbian schoolmistress): Dench mouth

Come into the Garden, Bawd

Judi Dench: Come into the Garden, Bawd.

Miami Vice” (80s hipster cop show retread): Beach fuzz
Thank You for Smoking” (Heavily ironic comedy about tobacco lobbyist): Ifs, ands for butts
Mrs. Palfrey at the Claremont” (Youthful bum befriends Lady Olivier): Meeting coot

Rupert Friend, Joan Plowright:  Lady and the Tramp.

Rupert Friend, Joan Plowright: Lady and the Tramp.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” (Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka): Flimsy whimsy
*Brokeback Mountain” (Dolorous fudge-packers): Splendor in the ass

Jake Gyllenhaal, Heath Ledger:  Forbidden fruits.

Jake Gyllenhaal, Heath Ledger: Forbidden fruits.

*The Terminal” (Immigrant Hanks camps out at JFK): Interminable
*Sideways” (Neurotic motormouth wine snob visits Napa): Sour grapes

Church, Giamatti: Les oenologues californiens

Thomas Haden Church, Paul Giamatti: Les œnologues californiens.

Far From Heaven” (Bumbling Douglas Sirk-style melodrama): The nearest thing to Hell
One Hour Photo” (Creepier-than-ever Robin Williams creeps out family): Not on yer tintype!

Mork, Connie Nielsen:  'Say "Cheese." '

Mork, Connie Nielsen: ‘Say “Cheese.” ‘

Go” (Slick Indie casino picture): Stop!
Charlie’s Angels” (Bimbos with heaters): Bawd squad
The Red Violin” (Preposterous 300 year history of a fiddle — feels longer): The pizz.

Greta Scacchi, Jason Flemyng:  Fiddledeedee.

Greta Scacchi, Jason Flemyng: Fiddledeedee.

The Big Lebowski” (Stoner bowling picture): Pin heads
Meet Joe Black” (Leaden remake of “Death Takes a Holiday”): Death warmed over

Anthony Hopkins, Brad Pitt:  Pitt and the Ponderous.

Anthony Hopkins, Brad Pitt: Pitt and the Ponderous.

A Thousand Acres” (Farm picture based on “King Lear”): Small potatoes
Shine” (Crazy pianist picture): Looney tunes
The Birdcage” (Peek-a-boo gay sex comedy): Big drag

Robin Williams, Nathan Lane:  Cheep cheep.

Mork, Nathan Lane: Cheep cheep.

Casino” (Scorsese’s Vegas picture): Sucker bet
The Bridges of Madison County” (Pastoral lustfest): Hey-hey in the hayloft

Streep to Eastwood: "I wanna run-a bare-a-foot-a through your wrinkles-a."

Streep to Eastwood: “I wanna run-a bare-a-foot-a through your wrinkles-a.”

Apollo 13” (Failed moon mission picture): Misfire
Leaving Las Vegas“: (Nicolas Cage as suicidal drunk): Lush for life
The Shawshank Redemption” (Endless prison picture): Hokey pokey

Morgan Freeman, Tim Robbins:  Pen pals.

Morgan Freeman, Tim Robbins: Pen pals.

Forrest Gump” (U.S. history as seen by moron): It is a tale told by an idiot
The Road to Wellville” (Long, expensive potty humor flop): We had feces then

John Neville, Matthew Broderick:  Crap shoot.

John Neville, Matthew Broderick: Crap shoot.

Schindler’s List” (Holocaust picture): Kaddish cheese
*Thelma and Louise” (Hot fem libbers cavort, drive off cliff): Bosom baddies
Awakenings” (De Niro, Mork in Oliver Sachs L-Dopamine story): Steamed vegetables

De Niro:  'You talkin' to . . . whaaaa . . . ?'

De Niro: ‘You talkin’ to . . . whaaaa . . . ?’

The Vagina Monologues” (Bway fem lib play): Snatch chat (a/k/a Chatterbox)
Pretty Woman” (Whore gives great head, lands prince — just like Cinderella): Ho-ho ‘hoe

The karats and the stick:  'There's another three karats if you get every drop.'

Richard Gere, Julia Roberts: The karats and the stick: ‘There’s another three karats if you get every drop.’

Ghost” (Overwrought Demi Moore/Patrick Swayze picture): Boo
Dances with Wolves” (Languorous folderol by and about Kevin Costner): Cheapie teepee

Mary McDonnell, Kevin Costner:  Nice barber they've got out here on the prairie.

Mary McDonnell, Kevin Costner: Nice barber they’ve got out here on the lone prairie.

Look Who’s Talking” (Scientologists’ baby talk picture): Le tot, c’est moi
Gorillas in the Mist” (Sigourney Weaver communes with simians): Monkeyshines

Sigourney Weaver and friend:  'I'm Just Wild about Hairy.'

Sigourney Weaver and friend: ‘I’m Just Wild about Hairy.’

Baby Boom” (Diane Keaton as businesswoman saddled with baby): Bundle of oy
Ironweed” (Down and out and chatty in Albany): Bums that go think in the night

Streep, Nicholson:  Stewed tomato, boiled ham

Streep, Nicholson: Stewed tomato, boiled ham.

Nuts” (Streisand in “serious” asylum picture): Balls
Suspect” (Liam Neeson plays mute homeless eyewitness of political murder): Bum, be dumb
Kiss of the Spider Woman” (Transvestite jail fantasy): Bugger me gently

William Hurt:  Fancy pansy.

William Hurt: Fancy pansy.

The Big Chill” (Boo hoo boomers): The days of whine and poses
Terms of Endearment” (Saccharine kooky family tear-jerker): Dear God! Sweet Jesus!

Debra Winger, Shirley MacLaine:  Bitches.

Debra Winger, Shirley MacLaine: Bitches.

E.T.” (Cloying shmaltz about boy and his pot roast-shaped outer-space critter): Alien corn
Whose Life Is It Anyway?” (Loquacious cripple wants to die): Paralyzing

Richard Dreyfuss: Oh, pipe down.

Richard Dreyfuss: Aww, shaddap!

Cruising” (Undercover cop Pacino investigates murders in leather bar milieu): Dragnet
Apocalypse Now” (Horrors, horrors with Brando as Jabber the Kurtz): A crock of shit now

Brando:  I Am the Eggman

Brando: I Am the Eggman.

Days of Heaven” (Long, long, long “poetic” romance): Would you kindly direct me to hell?
The Hindenburg” (Turgid disaster pic): Lead balloon
Rooster Cogburn” (“The African Queen” with saddle sores): Duke and kook

Hepburn, Wayne: Shaky and Chubby.

Hepburn, Wayne: Shaky-Quaky and Roly-Poly.

*Soylent Green” (Is people): The Offal Truth
Last Tango in Paris” (Porny Marlon flick loved by Kael): Like buttuh
The Boys in the Band” (Pre-Stonewall play and picture): Rotten fruits

Leonard Frey, Robert La Tourneaux:  Hissy flits

Leonard Frey, Robert La Tourneaux: Hissy flits.

Easy Rider” (Acid head road picture): Bad trip
Oliver!” (Over-produced musical with tone deaf cast): Gruelling
Charly” (Serum makes egghead of imbecile, temporarily): Dunce is not enough

Cilff Robertson:  Oooopsie . . . !  Prognosis negative.

Cilff Robertson: Oooopsie . . . ! Prognosis negative.

Planet of the Apes” (Angst-ridden Heston sci-fi picture): Monkey see . . . monkey don’t!
Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” (4 mean drunks in the Groves of Academe): Albee damned
The Sound of Music” (Christopher Plummer calls it S&M — nuff said): Nuns and Huns

Julie Andrews and the scourge of the Alps: There's never a Nazi when you need one.

Julie Andrews and the scourge of the Alps: There’s never a Nazi when you need one.

7 Faces of Dr. Lao” (Tony Randall (née Ira Rosenberg) in a whole lotta makeup): Fu Man Jew
Charade” (Chic mystery thriller long on style, short on thrills): Dumbshow

Cary Grant, Audrey Hepburn, assorted moppets:  Snow job.

Cary Grant, Audrey Hepburn, assorted moppets: Snow job.

Hud” (Texan ranchers learn their cattle have hoof-and-mouth disease): Bum steer
King of Kings“: Teejus Christ

Rita Gam, Frank Thring, Jeffrey Hunter:  It Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got Frank Thring.

Rita Gam, Frank Thring, Jeffrey Hunter: It Don’t Mean a Thing If It Ain’t Got Frank Thring.

*The Misfits” (Last round-up for Gable and Monroe): Horseshit
Fiorello!” (Bway musical about Mayor LaGuardia): Tammany yamminy
Charleton Heston in “Ben-Hur“: Menhir †
† Not everybody knows what a menhir is. Here is a menhir:
Menhir

An Affair to Remember” (Long Technicolor remake of “Love Affair”): Fuggedaboutit
East of Eden” (Adam, Cain and Abel in California): The Land of Nod

James Dean: Up to his usual tics.

James Dean: Up to his usual tics.

Picnic” (Small town turmoils on Labor Day weekend): Ants in your pants
Marty” (Ugly loser chooses ugly girlfriend over loser friends): Chump change

Betsy Blair, Ernest Borgnine: 'I'm with stupid.' 'I'm with ugly.'

Betsy Blair: ‘I’m with stupid.’ Ernest Borgnine: ‘I’m with ugly.’

The Snake Pit” (de Havilland “serious” asylum picture): Hiss
White Heat” (Cagney as psycho who dies in mushroom cloud explosion): The atomic bum

Cagney:  Smokey the Bandit.

Cagney: Smokey the Bandit.

The Treasure of the Sierra Madre” (Greedy prospectors bite dust): Fool’s gold
The Body Snatcher” (Karloff as grave robber): I seize dead people
The Wolf Man” (Dimwit Lon Chaney prowls Welsh moorlands): Lump on a bog

Lon Chaney, Jr.:  Ill-met by moonlight.

Lon Chaney, Jr.: Stranger in the Night.

Young Tom Edison” (Mickey Rooney in Edison hagiography): Dim-bulb
The Grapes of Wrath” (Preachy novel and picture about dust bowl victims): Poky Okies
Our Town” (Wilder’s play with scenery and a happy ending): Dullsville

Martha Scott, William Holden:  Sweet nothings.

Martha Scott, William Holden: Sweet nothings.

Sullivan’s Travels” (Depression-era road picture about life on the tramp): Bummer
The Good Earth” (Epic saga of Old China before the Commies): Chinese torture
Stingaree” (RKO lost Edna Ferber “classic”): Stinkeroo

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