Mini Reviews — In Descending Chronological Order (Approximately)

Mostly Mean-Spirited One-Liners

* Asterisk indicates new entry for October

“Turbo” (Gastropod mollusc at Indy 500): Sluggish

“Only God Forgives” (Bangkok baddies): So I don’t have to
“R.I.P.D.” (Dead cops): D.O.A.

“Now You See Me” (Feds vs. hipster tricksters): No, I don’t . . .
“This is the End“: Do you swear it?

“Man of Steel” (“Plan 9 from Outer Space” on a champagne budget): Rockem Schlockem Robots
“Oblivion” (Tom Cruise, futuristic grease monkey): A big nothing

“Oz the Great and Powerful” (The Land of Oz through a View Master): Great and powerful blahs
“Quartet” (Quaint old darlings make music): Four flushers

“Skyfall” (007 in Shanghai): Junk Bond
“Rise of the Planet of the Apes” (Monkeys freak out in Frisco): Ape shit

“The Kids Are All Right” (Straight dad screws up lesbo pad): Leave it to beaver
* “Inception” (Bedtime for bozos): Sleeping pills

* “The Social Network” (Jabbering asshole becomes billionaire): The Geek Tycoon
“Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” (Dumbledore dies, etc.): Weepin’ wizards!

“UP” (Pixar 3-D cartoon): P.U.
“It’s Complicated” (Over-the-hill divorcees drink together, start affair): Nip and fuck

“Yes Man” (Jim Carrey yuck fest): No siree, Bob
“The Dark Knight” (Comic book love letter to fascism): Batshit

* “No Reservations” (Remake of German kitchen rom com): Strictly from hunger
“Juno” (Knowing and sentimental slob comedy about teen pregnancy): Eggsecrable
“The Departed” (Bloody, bloody Irish mobster picture): Paddy whack

“Cars” (Pixar NASCAR cartoon): Tiresome
* “Little Miss Sunshine” (Misfits cross desert in Kraut can): Death Valley Days
“Notes on a Scandal” (Dame Judi as nasty, voluble lesbian schoolmistress): Dench mouth

“Miami Vice” (80s hipster cop show retread): Beach fuzz
“Thank You for Smoking” (Heavily ironic comedy about tobacco lobbyist): Ifs, ands for butts
“Mrs. Palfrey at the Claremont” (Youthful bum befriends Lady Olivier): Meeting coot

“Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” (Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka): Flimsy whimsy
* “Brokeback Mountain” (Dolorous fudge-packers): Splendor in the ass

* “The Terminal” (Immigrant Hanks camps out at JFK): Interminable
* “Sideways” (Neurotic motormouth wine snob visits Napa): Sour grapes

“Far From Heaven” (Bumbling Douglas Sirk-style melodrama): The nearest thing to Hell
“One Hour Photo” (Creepier-than-ever Robin Williams creeps out family): Not on yer tintype!

“Go” (Slick Indie casino picture): Stop!
“Charlie’s Angels” (Bimbos with heaters): Bawd squad
“The Red Violin” (Preposterous 300 year history of a fiddle — feels longer): The pizz.

“The Big Lebowski” (Stoner bowling picture): Pin heads
“Meet Joe Black” (Leaden remake of “Death Takes a Holiday”): Death warmed over

“A Thousand Acres” (Farm picture based on “King Lear”): Small potatoes
“Shine” (Crazy pianist picture): Looney tunes
“The Birdcage” (Peek-a-boo gay sex comedy): Big drag

“Casino” (Scorsese’s Vegas picture): Sucker bet
“The Bridges of Madison County” (Pastoral lustfest): Hey-hey in the hayloft

“Apollo 13” (Failed moon mission picture): Misfire
“Leaving Las Vegas“: (Nicolas Cage as suicidal drunk): Lush for life
“The Shawshank Redemption” (Endless prison picture): Hokey pokey

“Forrest Gump” (U.S. history as seen by moron): It is a tale told by an idiot
“The Road to Wellville” (Long, expensive potty humor flop): We had feces then

“Schindler’s List” (Holocaust picture): Kaddish cheese
* “Thelma and Louise” (Hot fem libbers cavort, drive off cliff): Bosom baddies
“Awakenings” (De Niro, Mork in Oliver Sachs L-Dopamine story): Steamed vegetables

“The Vagina Monologues” (Bway fem lib play): Snatch chat (a/k/a Chatterbox)
“Pretty Woman” (Whore gives great head, lands prince — just like Cinderella): Ho-ho ‘hoe

“Ghost” (Overwrought Demi Moore/Patrick Swayze picture): Boo
“Dances with Wolves” (Languorous folderol by and about Kevin Costner): Cheapie teepee

“Look Who’s Talking” (Scientologists’ baby talk picture): Le tot, c’est moi
“Gorillas in the Mist” (Sigourney Weaver communes with simians): Monkeyshines

“Baby Boom” (Diane Keaton as businesswoman saddled with baby): Bundle of oy
“Ironweed” (Down and out and chatty in Albany): Bums that go think in the night

“Nuts” (Streisand in “serious” asylum picture): Balls
“Suspect” (Liam Neeson plays mute homeless eyewitness of political murder): Bum, be dumb
“Kiss of the Spider Woman” (Transvestite jail fantasy): Bugger me gently

“The Big Chill” (Boo hoo boomers): The days of whine and poses
“Terms of Endearment” (Saccharine kooky family tear-jerker): Dear God! Sweet Jesus!

“E.T.” (Cloying shmaltz about boy and his pot roast-shaped outer-space critter): Alien corn
“Whose Life Is It Anyway?” (Loquacious cripple wants to die): Paralyzing

“Cruising” (Undercover cop Pacino investigates murders in leather bar milieu): Dragnet
“Apocalypse Now” (Horrors, horrors with Brando as Jabber the Kurtz): A crock of shit now

“Days of Heaven” (Long, long, long “poetic” romance): Would you kindly direct me to hell?
“The Hindenburg” (Turgid disaster pic): Lead balloon
“Rooster Cogburn” (“The African Queen” with saddle sores): Duke and kook

* “Soylent Green” (Is people): The Offal Truth
“Last Tango in Paris” (Porny Marlon flick loved by Kael): Like buttuh
“The Boys in the Band” (Pre-Stonewall play and picture): Rotten fruits

“Easy Rider” (Acid head road picture): Bad trip
“Oliver!” (Over-produced musical with tone deaf cast): Gruelling
“Charly” (Serum makes egghead of imbecile, temporarily): Dunce is not enough

“Planet of the Apes” (Angst-ridden Heston sci-fi picture): Monkey see . . . monkey don’t!
“Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” (4 mean drunks in the Groves of Academe): Albee damned
“The Sound of Music” (Christopher Plummer calls it S&M — nuff said): Nuns and Huns

“7 Faces of Dr. Lao” (Tony Randall (née Ira Rosenberg) in a whole lotta makeup): Fu Man Jew
“Charade” (Chic mystery thriller long on style, short on thrills): Dumbshow

“Hud” (Texan ranchers learn their cattle have hoof-and-mouth disease): Bum steer
“King of Kings“: Teejus Christ

* “The Misfits” (Last round-up for Gable and Monroe): Horseshit
“Fiorello!” (Bway musical about Mayor LaGuardia): Tammany yamminy
Charleton Heston in “Ben-Hur“: Menhir †
† Not everybody knows what a menhir is. Here is a menhir:

“An Affair to Remember” (Long Technicolor remake of “Love Affair”): Fuggedaboutit
“East of Eden” (Adam, Cain and Abel in California): The Land of Nod

“Picnic” (Small town turmoils on Labor Day weekend): Ants in your pants
“Marty” (Ugly loser chooses ugly girlfriend over loser friends): Chump change

“The Snake Pit” (de Havilland “serious” asylum picture): Hiss
“White Heat” (Cagney as psycho who dies in mushroom cloud explosion): The atomic bum

“The Treasure of the Sierra Madre” (Greedy prospectors bite dust): Fool’s gold
“The Body Snatcher” (Karloff as grave robber): I seize dead people
“The Wolf Man” (Dimwit Lon Chaney prowls Welsh moorlands): Lump on a bog

“Young Tom Edison” (Mickey Rooney in Edison hagiography): Dim-bulb
“The Grapes of Wrath” (Preachy novel and picture about dust bowl victims): Poky Okies
“Our Town” (Wilder’s play with scenery and a happy ending): Dullsville

“Sullivan’s Travels” (Depression-era road picture about life on the tramp): Bummer
“The Good Earth” (Epic saga of Old China before the Commies): Chinese torture
“Stingaree” (RKO lost Edna Ferber “classic”): Stinkeroo