Flash Pans! (Spring, 2014 Edition)

Mostly Mean-Spirited One-Liners

March of the Penguins” (Penguin dudes wait for eggs to hatch): The suspense is killing me

Tell me more about my ice.


The English Patient” (Burn victim remembers — long and hard): Suppuration anxiety

Roast and boast

Ralph Fiennes in Boo Radley makeup: Roast and boast.

Philadelphia” (Love lies a-bleeding in City of Brotherly Love): Foreign lesions

Tom Hanks: Fairy shyster, dread disease;/Weeps for Callas -- Mary, please!

Tom Hanks: Fairy shyster, dread disease;/Weeps for Callas — Mary, please!

Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle” (Hot monkeyman): Jungle rot

Monkey business. Whosoever believeth in me shall have everlasting bananas.

Christopher Lambert and friends: ‘Whosoever believeth in me shall have everlasting bananas.’

The Exorcist” (Dumpy girl possessed by Devil): Also known as adolescence

Linda Blair: A real pea-souper.

Linda Blair: Aye-uh . . . It’s a real pea-souper.

Soylent Green” (Cheap futuristic food costs an arm and a leg): Don’t order the nuggets

Chuck Heston: Green yecch and ham.

Soylent Green and Chuck Heston: Green yecchs and ham.

The Apartment” (Jack lends some execs/His apartment for sex — a comedy, sort of): Flat

MacLaine, Lemmon: chippie and drippy.

Shirley MacLaine, Jack Lemmon: Chippie and dippy.

Tea and Sympathy” (Homosexuality “cured” by heavy petting): Kerr collision

John, Deborah Kerr: She kindly boinks that boy one day/So he'll be neither sad . . . nor gay

John Kerr, Deborah Kerr; sylvan whoopie: She kindly boinks that boy one day/So he’ll be neither sad nor gay!

Bambi” (Cutesy-pie fauna choke in the smoke): Crispy critters

Live and burn

Live and burn.

Gone With the Wind” (Poor little slaveowners lose war, wits, tempers, chattels): Tara-bull

Calculating Miss O'Hara/Loses Rhett and lives in Tara

Calculating Miss O’Hara/Loses Rhett and lives in Tara.

2 thoughts on “Flash Pans! (Spring, 2014 Edition)

  1. Davide

    Well, the ones that mainlined my funny bone first were: Soylent Green, because of all the delightfully ghoulish mental images – and – The Exorcist …. adolescence … oh my God, that is soooooo hilariously true!


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