Flash Pans! (Winter, 2014-15 Edition)

Mostly Mean-Spirited One-Liners

“The Theory of Everything” (Genius gets chair, yet refuses to die): Pretty, lame

Charlie Cox, Eddie Redmayne: 'Yo, Einstein, simplify this equation: I'm doin' yer wife!'

Charlie Cox to Eddie Redmayne: ‘Oy, Einstein — simplify this equation: I’m shaggin’ yer missus!’

“Milk” (The Martyrdom of Saint Harvey): Fagiography

Sean Penn: Gay for pay. Twinkies, assorted junk food and Coca-Cola are in Aisle One, Mr White.

Sean Penn: Gay for pay. You’ll find Coca-Cola, junk foods and Twinkies in Aisle One, Mr White.

“Silence of the Lambs” (Cannibal gives FBI leads and clues with his mouth full): Carrion doctor

Anthony Hopkins savors first bite of fresh-killed breast of turnkey.

Cage free: Anthony Hopkins savors first bite of fresh-killed breast of turnkey.

“Klute” (Killer stalks sulky call-girl Hanoi Jane; suspect list is phone book): ‘Tis Pity She’s a Bore

Ho' hum: Jane Fonda as Bree Daniels, the Haughty Hooker.

Ho’ hum: Jane Fonda as Bree Daniels, the Full-Breasted Bummer.

“Sweet Charity” (The Rape of Cabiria): Main Stem hippies according to Doc Simon

Sammy Davis Jr & the Bob Fosse Frugsters. Doc Simon puts the deli in psychedelic.

Sammy Davis Jr & the Bob Fosse Frugsters. Doc Simon puts the deli in psychedelic.

“With Six You Get Eggroll” (Brady Bunch forerunner, and worse): Doris Day’s last, thank God

Six writers to come up with this shit: With Six You Get Assholes.

Six squaresville writers say these are hippies: With Six You Get Assholes. Abandon all hip, ye who enter here!

“Doctor Zhivago” (Russian lust upon the burning Spanish steppes): Carry on, Doctor!

Julie Christie, Omar Sharif: Time and again in Russia the mother/Yuri and Lara bump into each other.

Julie Christie, Omar Sharif: Time and again in Russia the mother/Yuri and Lara bump into each other.

“My Fair Lady” (Tyrant toff turns hoyden into proper fucking lady): Irritable Vowel Syndrome

Audrey Hepburn, Rex Harrison:

Audrey Hepburn, Rex Harrison: The baggage says “the rain in Spain.”/By George, it was an awful strain.

“55 Days at Peking” (Boxer Rebellion or Chinese firedrill? You decide): Peking muck

Elizabeth Sellars (I never!), David Niven (I'm dashed!), Robert Helpmann (inscrutable), Chuckles Heston (honked off), Countess Ava Gardner (thirsty).  Nobody no rikee.

Hot and sour group: Elizabeth Sellars (I never!), David Niven (I say!), Robert Helpmann (I inscrutable), Chuckles Heston (I robot!), Countess Ava Gardner (Me thirsty!). Nobody no rikee.

“Strike Up the Band” (Mickey, Judy put on show; Barn Again!): Hum drum

Rooney, Garland: Soda jerks.

Rooney, Garland: Soda jerks.

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