“Fifty Shades of Grey” (The Bookish Virgin and the Flog Prince): Beltschmerz
Jamie Dornan, Dakota Johnson: Spanks for nothing!
“The Guilt Trip” (Two huge egos suck air out of one little car; “No Exit” minus yuks): Oy ride
Rogen, Streisand: Hell on wheels. Inna mornin’, inna evenin’, Ain’t we not fun?
“The Dreamers” (Student goes 69 with incestuous Frenchies in ’68): An American in Bare-Ass
Michael Pitt, Eva Green, Louis Garrel: International House of Boston Pancakes.
“Basic Instinct” (Cop has fling with suspect): Cops and rubbers
Sharon Stone: Taint Misbehavin’.
“My Own Private Idaho” (Stoner odyssey): Bud and sand
River Phoenix, Keanu Reeves: Tastes like chicken.
Nine 1/2 Weeks (Art and Boinking): Icky Sticky Kim and Mickey
Basinger, Rourke: Lust in the must./Slaps and pinches/And 3 1/2 inches.
“Hello, Dolly!” (Babs frosts monstrous confection with her heavy hand): Goodbye, please!
It’s like eating an entire German chocolate cake lately dredged up from the Titanic; the picture sank faster.
“Cleopatra” (Ancient menage à blah, as much fun as dying a lingering death): Pox Romana
Geezer and Cleopatra: Liz sleeps it off. Rex dreams on murther. Dick (out of frame) works on bourbon flush.
“The Grapes of Wrath” (With Hicks, You Get Dust Bowl): Joads to Perdition
Jane Darwell: “A woman c’n change better’n a man. A man lives sorta — well, in jerks. Grandpa loses a farm, that’s a jerk. He dies, and that’s a jerk. With a woman, it’s all in one flow, like a river, it goes right on. Woman looks at it thata way. An’ that’s why I et grandpa. My, but I was hongry. All right, then, let’s go t’Californy.”