Flash Pans! (Spring, 2015 Edition)

Mostly Mean-Spirited One-Liners

“Fifty Shades of Grey” (The Bookish Virgin and the Flog Prince): Beltschmerz

Jamie Dornan, Dakota Johnson: Spanks for nothing!

Jamie Dornan, Dakota Johnson: Spanks for nothing!

“The Guilt Trip” (Two huge egos suck air out of one little car; “No Exit” minus yuks): Oy ride

Rogen, Streisand: Hell on wheels. Ain't we not fun?

Rogen, Streisand: Hell on wheels. Inna mornin’, inna evenin’, Ain’t we not fun?

“The Dreamers” (Student goes 69 with incestuous Frenchies in ’68): An American in Bare-Ass

Michael Pitt, Eva Green, Louis Garrel: International House of Boston Pancakes.

Michael Pitt, Eva Green, Louis Garrel: International House of Boston Pancakes.

“Basic Instinct” (Cop has fling with suspect): Cops and rubbers

Sharon Stone: Taint Misbehavin'

Sharon Stone: Taint Misbehavin’.

“My Own Private Idaho” (Stoner odyssey): Bud and sand

River Phoenix, Keanu Reeves: Tastes like chicken.

River Phoenix, Keanu Reeves: Tastes like chicken.

Nine 1/2 Weeks (Art and Boinking): Icky Sticky Kim and Mickey

Basinger, Roarke: Lust in the must.

Basinger, Rourke: Lust in the must./Slaps and pinches/And 3 1/2 inches.

“Hello, Dolly!” (Babs frosts monstrous confection with her heavy hand): Goodbye, please!

Babs pours it on in this monstrous confection. It's like eating an entire German chocolate cake dredged up from the Titanic.

It’s like eating an entire German chocolate cake lately dredged up from the Titanic; the picture sank faster.

“Cleopatra” (Ancient menage à blah, as much fun as dying a lingering death): Pox Romana

Taylor, Harrison: Geezer and Cleopatra.

Geezer and Cleopatra: Liz sleeps it off. Rex dreams on murther. Dick (out of frame) works on bourbon flush.

“The Grapes of Wrath” (With Hicks, You Get Dust Bowl): Joads to Perdition

Jane Darwell: "A woman c'n change better'n a man. A man lives sorta -- well, in jerks. Grandpa loses a farm, that's a jerk. He dies, and that's a jerk. With a woman, it's all in one flow, like a river, it goes right on. Woman looks at it thata way. An' that's why I et grandpa. My, but I was hungry. All right, then, let's go t'Californy."

Jane Darwell: “A woman c’n change better’n a man. A man lives sorta — well, in jerks. Grandpa loses a farm, that’s a jerk. He dies, and that’s a jerk. With a woman, it’s all in one flow, like a river, it goes right on. Woman looks at it thata way. An’ that’s why I et grandpa. My, but I was hongry. All right, then, let’s go t’Californy.”

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